Subscribe to the Winter issue of ColoradoView with the cover art of a box of delectable chocolates. I have two stories in the mag: a profile of makeup artist Sonia Kashuk, who will be in Denver for a fundraising luncheon Feb. 16, and a story on the do’s and don’ts of second weddings. http://coloradoviewmagazine.com
Here’s the do’s and don’ts story:
Veteran event planner Sandy Tenenbaum, founder of catering company Occasions by Sandy, was a bit panicked when the judge didn’t show up on time at a client’s second wedding. Directing her staff to act natural and keep pouring the wine, by the time the judge did arrive, the couple was totally looped.
Not the way second weddings usually go. As opposed to the hoopla of a first wedding, second weddings tend to be more relaxed, more about family and more about what the couple wants. Event coordinator Faye Gardenswartz has planned many first weddings and is glad “I don’t have to do many seconds.” Her observations: “At the first wedding everyone is trying to follow the rules, the second time around, anything goes. Couples do it just the way they want it to be. It’s more family oriented. Children are included.”
The tension, anxiety and family diplomatic crises that so often characterize first weddings dissipate at the second. For one thing, the couple is usually footing the bill. Out go the 12 course menus, the forest of flowers and ostentatious table decorations. Judge Herb Galchinsky, the self-styled “Love Judge,” who in his 17 years on the bench has performed 1,500 to 2,000 weddings, finds that second weddings are less about the glitz and the glamor and more about the couple. “Make it about what is important in the marriage,” the judge advises. “Second weddings are much more successful when they are simpler than the first.”
Leslie Heins, owner/partner of Affair with Flair, planned her own second wedding with the help of her partner Lisa Cook. Heins pointed out some of the emotional pitfalls to avoid. Be sensitive to the significance of what a second wedding means to your children. “Second weddings mean that their parents aren’t getting back together, Heins said. “Don’t hurt or embarrass your children by insulting an ex-spouse and putting him or her down at the wedding. You want to make sure that you are sensitive to your kids feelings.”
Heins said that its important to remember there are no rules anymore. No one does a traditional Emily Post wedding. “There are no more ‘musts.’ Weddings have become much more creative.”
One tradition that hasn’t evaporated is the ceremonial kiss. Tenebaum has seen her share. “The second wedding kiss is passionate mixed with a bit of tranquility.” Perhaps that’s because by the time a couple marries for the second time, they have the maturity and insight to know what makes a marriage successful.
Do’s
Do include the bride and groom in the excitement of planning the wedding if it’s the first one for one of them and agree to incorporate some of the traditional features.
Do register for gifts. Etiquette once stated that gifts are not mandatory for a second wedding. But now gifts are common.
Do let the kids participate in the ceremony. If they are old enough, ask them how they would like to be involved.
Do rethink the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. How many of them are you still friends with from your first wedding?
Do invite some friends of the children and the people who were important in supporting you through divorce or death of a spouse or who introduced you to your new spouse.
Do stay at the wedding until the bitter end. No more throwing rice as the couple leaves the party for the honeymoon. You paid for the party. Close the place down!
Don’ts
Don’t worry about trying to please or take the advice of parents and family. The first wedding was planned around them. The second is all about you.
Don’t feel the obligation to invite the distant great-aunt who did come to the first wedding. Trust me, she’ll recover and do you really need the gift of a second tea cozy?
Don’t wear a white gown with the long train (Who are you kidding?). Opt instead for an ivory or champagne color ensemble.
Don’t make toasts insulting the first marriage in front of your kids. Your ex is still their parent.
Don’t wear your old engagement and wedding rings. Do you really need this tip?
What Makes a Becoming Second Bride
Denise Snyder, owner of Mariel on Larimer, whose store carries a variety of dresses suitable for second weddings, recommends that brides stay away from formal gowns. Instead she steers them to short or tea length dresses and suits in ivory and champagne shades. The exception: “If the husband has never been married, he deserves the courtesy of asking him what he wants the bride to wear. He might want more of a traditional gown,” Snyder explained.
Unlike the traditional bridal gown, many of the outfits Snyder puts on her second brides can be worn again. “Formal dresses in ivory easily can be worn again to black tie events. The ivory color really stands out in a crowd of black dresses,” Snyder said. As for the moms of second brides, “they can wear whatever they want. They’ve already have paid their dues,”
If the bride has been married more than twice, anything goes. Why not take a page from that mistress of weddings, Elizabeth Taylor. Here’s what the Grande Dame wore at each of her weddings.
First: traditional bridal gown
Second: dove gray wool suit
Third: hydrangea-blue chiffon gown
Fourth: Green chiffon dress
Fifth: Empire-style chiffon gown in daffodil yellow
Sixth: Green lace with guinea fowl feathers hair piece
Seventh: Cashmere coat accented with silver fox, a turban and boots
Eighth: Pale lemon lace tiered gown
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One of the few winners of the evening.
